why dating should be taught in school
a letter to gen-z teenage boys from a girl who's never dated anyone
yo bro. what the sigma. ts pmo.
got that out of your system?
good.
let’s begin.
Dear teenage boys of gen-z,
I’m truly sorry to have interrupted your brawl starring and andrew tating.
But you know what would give you so much more beyond the dopamine hits?
True romance.
Someone who actually understands you.
Someone you can be vulnerable with.
Someone who cares about you.
But if you’re reading this, you likely have never asked out a girl.
Too presumptuous?
I’m sorry.
Let me rephrase.
If you’re reading this, you likely have never asked out a girl in-person.
oops.
You have?
Wow. Okay I judged you too quickly.
No need to continue. Sincere apologies. This article won’t give you value. Thanks for stopping by!
.
.
.
It’s okay.
This is a no judgement zone.
I’m writing this because I believe in you. I’m writing this because I care.
Most girls my age have given up on you. They don’t believe you can graduate from boys to men. They think you don’t see the value in having a girlfriend.
But I don’t think the root cause is that you don’t know why. I think the root cause is that you don’t know how.
I think that dating should be taught in school to de-risk it. Instead of being such a huge social challenge, it should be as normal as learning algebra or Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet. It shouldn’t be hard.
But because our school system is as old as the chacha slide, I don’t see How To Date™️ being taught anytime soon. And besides, hiring qualified teachers for that program would be pretty difficult.
Instead, as a complete virgin in the act of dating, I offer my services as your professor. By the end of this Substack post, you will have everything you need to graduate. You will have your Dateploma. You will have a comprehensive guide to what girls your age want.
I get it.
Why would you trust me?
Well, as someone who has never dated, I have a master thesis worth of journal entries for every potential reason why. I have been the therapist for every single one of my girlfriends who has dated.
And for the good of humanity, and for the wonderful women of my generation, I'm treating this essay as my service. If even one person gets asked out as a result of this, my duty will have been accomplished.
In your journey of receiving your Dateploma, you will learn the following.
learning modules
how to ask her out
real men care
secrets from the girls gc
why you’re actually the coolest person you know.
don’t you want people to know you?
In each of these modules, I’ve jam packed the best ideas, conversations with women from all walks of life, a perfect musical soundtrack, links to awesome resources, and more.
And who knows? If you get to the end, maybe we can hang out sometime…a long walk at the beach perhaps?
woah woah woah.
Let’s not get carried away.
Dateploma.
Here we go.
lesson 1: how to ask her out.
Welcome class, to your first lesson of the semester.
I want to be clear that this module is not a lesson on how to stalk girls on Instagram or add them on Snapchat. This lesson is not what every male advice guy on TikTok has told you. This lesson is not a “get girls quick” scheme.
Instead, asking a girl out is really about taking a small social leap. It requires getting out of your comfort zone.
To show you how to do this, let’s take a trip back in time.
People our age were a lot less lonely back then, so perhaps there might be some wisdom to be gleaned from history. If you don’t believe me here is a very official World In Data graph.
Back in good ol’ 1980, to get to know a girl, you only had two options:
get to know her in-person
get her phone number in-person
Did you find the similarity between those two options?
They both required some in-person effort. They required you to take a leap. To have somewhere (albeit small) to fall from.
Nowadays, to “get to know” a girl, all it requires is a small click on an algorithmic app. With not even an ounce of difficulty, you get access to what school she goes to, what sport team she’s apart of, her trip to Greece last summer and what her friend group looks like. All while doing nothing but lifting a finger.
Sending a friend request is not risky at all. If she doesn’t accept, there’s no stage for embarrassment. The only person who is privy to your failures is yourself. It is easy.
Going up to a girl in front of all her friends and asking for her number on the other hand? Your stage has grown to other audience members. People who can judge you and make you feel bad about yourself.
It is hard.
But dude — let’s take a second to look at all the people who have ever been admired in history. What do Olympic medalist athletes, Nobel Prize Laureates and Grammy winning artists all have in common?
They’ve done a hard thing.
None of these awards would mean anything if they were easy to get. We wouldn’t give a damn about Usain Bolt or Einstein if what they did was a piece of cake.
We are attracted to people who do hard things. Girls are attracted to men who do hard things.
Don’t believe me?
Why are men who work their asses off at the gym attractive?
Why are men with difficult good jobs attractive?
Why are men with cool style attractive?
Because all of those things require effort.
So coming back to our main idea of asking a girl out, it shouldn’t be easy. It wouldn’t be attractive if it didn’t require effort. But the more you do it, the easier it will become.
The first time you ask a girl out it’ll be the hardest thing you ever do.
The second time? A little easier.
The third? Now you know what to expect.
The more you get out of your comfort zone, the larger it grows. Actions that used to be uncomfortable become comfortable, and your capacity to do sexy hard things increases.
I think that’s why it’s so important to get these reps in right now. High school is the little league of social risk. It should be a place where your failures aren’t significant. Where even if you get rejected, you have your whole life ahead of you.
It should be the training ground where you grow the balls and confidence to be able to ask the huge questions down on one knee later on in life.
My genuine fear for the future of our generation is that most people, both boys and girls, are not taking the small leaps right now. I’m afraid that a few years down the line, when we’re all looking for lifelong partners, the foundation won’t have been built to take the big leaps. We won’t have jumped off the small cliffs, so the big ones will seem astronomically impossible.
That is why we must take the small social jumps right now. Because what’s the worst case scenario really?
You get rejected. You get a little bruised. If anything, you get tougher.
You’ll still have plenty more opportunities.
But if your first rejection happens when you’re 35 years old?
There will be a lot less opportunities. The fall will be much more painful. It might cause some permanent scars.
Failure right now is MINISCULE. We are in the little leagues. So I think we should all take advantage. Let’s all take the small social risks, so when it’s time to take the huge ones, we’ve been prepared.
Instead of taking the shortcut to getting to know each other (social media), let’s let others show themselves to us. Let’s meet for the first time without knowing anything. Let’s get to know each other in-person, like how we were designed to do.
I find it so ironic that the devices and apps that were meant to connect us have done the opposite. They’ve become the thing doing the connecting, when it really should have always been us doing that for each other.
If you use a girl’s social media to get to know her, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. In fact, I love using a guy’s Instagram profile as a representation for who they are. But that’s all it is. A representation.
Social media shouldn’t be the sole way you get to know her. It will never be as satisfying or as rewarding as the harder path of asking her out.
And now, with this lesson’s ideas, I hope you have the toolkit and confidence to do just that. One of my favourite quotes is that courage often feels like fear. Do it scared.
Because if you don’t do it now — when will you? You are the youngest you’ll ever be.
There’s no time like the present.
I’m waiting…
Don’t worry, I’ll still be here once you’ve done it.
I know you want to.
You know you like her.
Oh cmon.
Stop stalling.
Just. Do. It.
Need a reminder of your manly power?
Listen to this song.
You’ve done it?
Yeah?
…
You rock.
Lesson one complete. You’ve asked her out. Now what?
real men care.
The other day, I watched the above fantastic video by Zed about how our biggest barrier to connection is not wanting to seem like “try-hards”
Since when did “jeez you’re doing too much.” turn into an insult?
When have you ever told someone you love that they “did too much” by showing they loved you back?
Imagine if someone does a sweet gesture for you.
And you’re just like.
Bro you’re doing too much.
…
When would you ever?
Since when did being nonchalant become more important than caring about the things and people you love?
I don’t think I’m alone in saying that I’m sick of the nonchalance epidemic we live in where it is “cooler” to ghost someone than to show how much you care for them. I’m sick of the hyper-curated feeds are seen as “more chill” than genuine snapshots of real life.
If we expect to be cared for, why is it so hard to do the caring?
I’ve broken it down to two main reasons:
It’s scary af.
See reason 1.
I’ve realized that all the people that are like “oh you’re such a try-hard” are the ones who are just afraid to try themselves.
They tweet and troll and comment because they’re scared that if they really apply themselves and try hard, they’ll fail.
But I would rather be with someone who cares enough to try, than someone who won’t even take the first step.
Don’t even play.
Let’s not pretend.
You care.
Behind all the bravado, you care.
You care what people think of you. You care if that cute girl you saw in the hall last week liked the small smile you gave her. You care.
So why are you trying to hide that?
It’s what makes you different.
What will make you an awesome partner to someone.
Because if you care, you will be cared for. Golden rule remember? The one we learned in kindergarten?
Treat others how you want to be treated.
Care to be cared for.
You’ve officially earned your #SCREWIDGAF sticker on your diploma.
secrets from the girls gc.
Okay so throughout this you’ve probably been subconsciously questioning everything I’m saying. This girl has never dated — what does she know? Who even is she? This is not universal.
That’s probably true.
Every woman is different. What is true for me is not going to be true for others.
So I decided to find out the truths of other women. Truths from women in our generation of different ethnicities, dating experiences, ages, styles, personalities and energies.
By no means is this a representation of how all women feel about dating men.
But it is still a combination of different perspectives from real women that I love and respect.
And it seems guys always want to know what we are texting about, so here are some honest answers from the girls group chat to the question:
“what do you wish more guys our age knew about what dating women is actually about?'“
“I think alot of guys have the pre conception that dating and maintaining a woman is hard work. And I think it’s cuz they don’t do it effectively and that’s why they have to put in so much additional effort. To rizz up or to keep a woman all men really have to do is make them feel seen known and loved. Girls love to feel like guys listen and take what they are saying seriously and do stuff about it. So I think guys our age should focus not on like extravagant gifts but getting to know their girl deeply.”
“You don’t actually have to do that much beyond not being a pussy.”
“being there for us and idk i kinda just always imagine my boyfriend as my best friend.”
“the effort it takes to uphold an emotional bond is more important than chemistry. love isn’t enough, you have to be there emotionally consistently.”
“does not always need a big gesture: i always believe that if they wanted to they could. n i get financial restrictions and all but bro anything makes a girl happy. a flower found on a st would hv the same impact as $30 flowers. i think guys see women as such a big cost (which we r to a certain extent) but even making a paper heart (which costs $0.5) could make ur gfs day 283883 times better.”
“WE CHOOSE MEN BASED ON PERSONALITY NOT ONLY LOOKS.”
I hope you’ve been taking notes.
okay but it’s not only about us.
you’re the coolest person you know.
I’ll be honest.
You probably don’t think I’m the coolest person you know. I have the Harry Potter spells Lumos and Nox written on my light switch.
But that doesn’t matter to me, because I’m the coolest person I know.
This is because I do things that are cool to me.
I know you have one seemingly weird thing that you find cool. It probably won’t be the coolest thing to everyone, but it is to you.
Got it in mind?
There is someone out there who finds that odd interest of yours cute. Someone who finds it cool.
Don’t believe me?
Let’s take a look at some examples:
A club in Toronto has amassed over 100 members at their last meetup around Tamagotchis. Yes, the digital pets you thought were way last decade.
There are thousands of people apart of the Extreme Pogo community. Pogo. The most niche weird physical stick that we’ve come up with.
This artist who creates hyperrealistic adoptable monster heads has over 40,000 followers on Instagram. Sick.
No matter what unique thing you’re into, there’s going to be other people who are into it too. Even if it’s pogo sticking.
Even if it’s pogo sticking.
So be yourself, because honestly— everyone else is taken.
Are you you?
Let’s move on.
okay and don’t you want people to know you?
For a lot of guys I’ve been around, I’ve noticed that one of the only socially acceptable places they can be vulnerable is with their girlfriends.
I think it’s because of how men are cultured differently and conditioned to share less and less emotions as they age.
And while I wish this wasn’t the case, at the end of the day it’s why I say all of this.
I want every single person on this planet to give love and be loved because it’s the most wonderful feeling in the world. Don’t you want that for yourself?
You deserve it. With your unique personality, perspective and self, you deserve to be loved and give love.
But the only way that can happen is if you display the emotional availability I know you have within.
The true “hack” to connection is vulnerability.
you did it.
Congratulations.
As you continue to scroll, play this for ambiance:
Through this Dateploma you’ve learned how to ask her out, the treatment against the nonchalance epidemic, secrets from the girls gc, the fact that you’re actually cool, and why this is all actually important.
I hope that even if this post might have hurt your ego, it also unlocked the confidence and love I know you have within you.
You are in control of your own life, and now you’ve been equipped with the tools to get the girl of your dreams.
This being said, I’d like to remind you that women are not a prize to be won. We are human beings that want to be seen and loved the same way as you.
To celebrate your achievement, alongside your certificate, I’ve created the perfect playlist to encapsulate what it means to be young and in love. From upbeat pop to nostalgic jazz, I hope you enjoy this artistic representation of all I hoped to accomplish here:
Thank you so much for reading.
Even with all the barriers to connection in our fiery world, I’m so grateful we spent this time together here. Even if you completely disagreed with my takes, or hated every second of this post, you made it to the end regardless.
I’m so grateful you did.
I’d also love to thank all the incredible women and men who helped make this project happen! You know who you are. ❤
And hey, maybe now if you really want — we can go on that long walk on the beach.
My email is always open!
If there’s anything Final Destination has taught me, it’s that there are so many different ways we can die.
So let’s live this life.
Let’s take risks, seek love, enjoy ourselves…because we can only live it once!
YOLO
With love,
Ashna
absolutely love this writing style, can't wait to see your writing journey and progression!! keep it up, this is really good 🫶🏽
Loved your writing style.
It feels like you are talking to me.